


The Fanboy's Guide to Flaming Fanfiction

by nein



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 16:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6159763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nein/pseuds/nein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Ennoshita and Futakuchi are Big Name Fans<sup>TM</sup> in the Harry Potter Fandom who throw a lot of salt at each other.</p><p>A lot of salt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fanboy's Guide to Flaming Fanfiction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kingdra (aroceu)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/gifts).



> For aro, whose tweet started the snowball.
> 
> This fic is inspired by true events.

For the entirety of this beautiful, sunny day, Ennoshita was jittery. Despite the birdsong, the abundance of vitamin D and prime eavesdropping material, he remains focused on his phone. This morning, in a fit of madness and anxiety, he had posted a fanfiction. It's a humble little thing, short and sweet but Ennoshita could not help but worry about the reception, the reaction of his following readers. So, he refreshes his email inbox every half an hour, checks up on how many hits he received as well as compare the review count of the fics posted before and after his fanfiction child. When his phone buzzes in the middle of his lecture, he immediately digs it up from within the folds of his backpack and clicks on the notification with his heart racing against his ribs.

 

_[Nicholas] Has posted a review on Chapter 4 of your work Snake or Break_

 

He's a little disappointed that its for a different fanfiction, but reads the comment anyway.

 

`Nicholas: `

`lol this is terible no h8`

 

Ennoshita blinks.

 

Time slows, quickens, then races downward like lead free-falling into an abyss. For a moment, the words could not be processed.  _This is terrible_. They had said, _this is terrible_. He stays there, eyes wide staring unseeingly at the screen until it blacked out. Realising that he has frozen, Ennoshita hurriedly repacks his phone into his bag and breathed out a long breath. returning his attention to the lecturer at the front of the theatre.

 

_This is terrible_.

 

Those words rang over others, like  _camera-framing_ and _editing sequence._ When the lecturer pulled up a diagram of lightning placement, all Ennoshita could think about was what he had written last night. Was there too much description of the sceneary? Should he have waited a bit longer before posting? Edited? Reread some of the books to remind himself of characterisation? Even though he edited a couple of times, Ennoshita could not shake the sense that a billion faults simmered under the surface of his writing, waiting to be scratched out by a critical eye. Nicholas could tell he could not write to save a small country. _Who else_. What does he need to do to improve? What does he need to sacrifice?

Well.

Ennoshita pulled out his phone again, this time clicking on the reply button. His thumbs hesitated, hovering over the screen as his mind raced through possibilities. Sitting back and thinking of England, he started typing.

 

PhoenixAndCrow:``

`Hi! Thank you for taking the time leaving a comment. Would you mind explaining why you feel like that? I would appreciate it very much if you could provide some pointers for me to improve! :)`

 

The reply comes within ten minutes and Ennoshita opens the link with bated breath.

 

`Nicholas:`

`Okay then. Usually, I try not to judge fics based on my first impression, but in this case it turned out that the story only got worse! First of all….Can you really imagine Draco Malfoy every saying “Whoops, I’m sorry-“?” Really? Have you READ the books? Or at least seen the first 20 minutes of the very first movie? Draco Malfoy is not the kind of person who says ‘whoops’. Or apologises for bumping into someone. This was, of course, the first of MANY things I noticed in your story. Thank GOD I left FF.net, because it really, really has nothing to offer. (Oh, feel free to delete this review, I know you must be tempted. Though I’ve half a mind to create an account just so that some authors can’t delete unfavourable reviews.`

 

Huffing as subtly as possible, Ennoshita holds the phone closer to his face, eyes squinting at the words. Malfoy was being _sarcastic_ so saying _whoops_ was in character _,_ and he _has_ read all the books and seen all the movies, and reread Harry and Draco’s first meeting and tracked down all the meta-posts on potterforums and snitchseeker and the Leaky Cauldron so _how dare they_ assume otherwise. And what do they mean  _he must be tempted_ , no way he is better than that, here, let me take a screenshot to immortalise your words.

He’s midway typing out counter-arguments and defenses when class aruptly finishes and Ennoshita makes awkward, guilty eye-contact with the professor who definitely knows he was distracted and uninterested. Under his breath, he makes a half-promise to catch up online while sweeping his laptop into his bag and rushing off.

On the train home, his phone buzzes again.

 

_[Wendy] has posted a review on Chapter 7 of your story Snake or Break_

 

Oh. Receiving two comments in a day from different people for the same story was rare.

 

`Wendy:`

`Urgh. It’s not ‘no-one’, it’s 'no one’, TWO WORDS. The dialogue’s okay, but a hyperactive toddler with their nappy still on could type more accurately with their butt than you.`

 

Ennoshita has not even formulated a potential response when his phone lights up again.

 

_[Brighton] has posted a review on Chapter 11 of your story Snake or Break_

` Brighton:`

`Tbh it’s pretty difficult for me to read Harry Potter fanfiction because the books I’m like, obcesed with the books and I lve them so much and it’s just so easy to find faults you know? No offence, but I will attempt not to find any. Anyway, I'm going to stop reading I hate this.`

 

Then - 

 

_[Elizabeth] has posted a review on Chapter 19 of your story Snake or Break_

 

`Elizabeth:`

`Sweetie, listen, these people have a point, I’m 14 and I’ve read plenty of fic, so I know poor characterisation when I see one. You’re crap.`

 

Ennoshita blinks. Ennoshita also knows what's up.

 

Four comments from four 'different' unlisted names with no official account. All on the same story, on successive chapters.

He’s… flattered? Really? Should be?

And. Those names, Nicholas, Wendy, Brighton, Elizabeth. They seem so.... standardised-ly superficially... British? What’s next? Kevin?

 

He feels his phone vibrate in his back pocket and he all but dives his hand in to retrieve it-

 

[ _IronCladDreams_ ] _has posted a review on Chapter 23_

Oh that’s a new one, that actually sounds like a username. Ennoshita clicks immediately.

 

_[This comment has been deleted]_

 

Staring at it, Ennoshita runs through modes of confusion and disappointment, until suddenly, a new notification pops up.

 

_[Kevin] has posted a review on Chapter 23 of your story Snake or Break_  

`Kevin:`

`Just saying Voldemort is he who must not be named, not you know who, just saying some fans of hp (like me) get offended by that stuff`

 

Ennoshita narrows his eyes. Planets align, a new constellation is formed, enlightenment is achieved.

 

_I got you_.

  

* * *

 

 

The second he gets home, he flips out his laptop, goes back to the previous email, clicks on the username, then promptly spits out his tea.

_IronCladDreams_ is fucking _famous_. A casual scroll down reveals fics with _hundreds_ of reviews and favourites, and the titles! Ennoshita recognises those titles, linked and recommended and screamed about on all four corners of the Internet. He’s pretty sure he even favourited some of them, like:

 

_Saturday Night Snape_ (oh my god the _characterisation_ in this one is _canon_ )

_Coincidence(s)_ (legendary. Harry/Draco fandom was never the same after this)

Y _ou’d fit in my pureblood arms so perfectly_ (he shed a tear, or 500)

_Cauldron Sharing for Dummies (The Ministry of Magic Remix)_ (this made his week when he was suffering finals)

_One-Quarter Cup of Wormwood; or, the Muggle's Guide to Potions_ (So sweet he bought dental insurance)

_Potion-stained Polaroids_ (….he might or might not have sent a review along the lines of: marry me)

_Being a Dark Lord is Not a Nine-to Five_ (never forget 2k16)

 

He's about to scroll down more when another notification rises -

 

_[Callum] has posted a review on chapter 26 your story Snake or Break_

` Callum:`

`Did you even pass engrish yoshhhi`

 

_He's_

 

_fucking_

 

_not stopping._

 

Ennoshita leans back and stretches his fingers. Two can play this game.

 

` PhoenixAndCrow: `

`This fic is such a waste of time.`

 

`PhoenixAndCrow:`

`Wtf, the characterisation is so lame, Dumbledore is a _lyrical_ character, you write him like a divorced salesman who gets $1 commission for selling refrigerators. Get an education and a real life mario`

 

`PhoenixAndCrow:`

`I’m 13 and I have been writing fic for quite a while so I can confidently say you suck. `

 

`PhoenixAndCrow:`

`SMUT? WHERE IS THE SMUT SCENES DONKEY KONG`

 

An hour and a dozen comments later, he stands up, satisfied and ready to make himself a new cup of tea.

 

In his inbox is a new comment.

 

`IronCladDreams:`

`Don’t be salty just because I get more reviews than you.`

 

Ennoshita slams his hand down on the keyboard.  _How dare they_. He could show him. Should he? Shouldn’t he? He should? He’s awfully tempted to but….  

He _ha_ _s_ a very good trump card.

Ennoshita stares at the at the text for half a minute, reconsiders for another and says, _fuck it_.

 

 

In midst of all the correspondance with _PhoenixAndCrow_ , Futakuchi Kenji (the celebrated, the holy, the respected _IronCladDreams_ ) does not expect to see an email from _DracoPotter69_ , the _ultimate_ Harry/Draco fanfiction writer in the fandom. And not just any fanfiction, it was the most juicy, delicious, satisfying explicitly erotic fanfiction any fandom on this side of the century had to offer. He opens the link tentatively and almost shits his pants.

 

`DracoPotter69:`

`I would like to cordially inform you that this is the secondary account of _PhoenixAndCrow_ and thus, your claim of having superior review count is unfounded. Cheers.`

 

Futakuchi cannot believe it. He cannot believe it when he clicks on the link disbelievingly and scrolls down the story list with greater shock. The first few, are painfully familiar. He had recently binged _DracoPotter69_ ’s fic one late night just a week ago. Every word had left him reeling, strung tight on the edge of his seat. Even now, the names evoke pleasant memories and experiences of indulgent readings in the dark, names like:

 

_Secrets in your Chamber_

  _Jinx Me_

_We don’t need love potions baby_

_50 Spells to Charm into Anyone’s Pants (and the 49 that didn’t work)_

_Polyjuice Polyamory_

 

And then… and then.

 

He comes across the _legends_ , the most amazing stories compulsory in the curriculum of every Harry Potter fanclub, the bible to which every fan refered to, the yardstick against which they measured their works, compared the words of others. The first-page gracing, meta-inducing, fanart-inspiring _epics of erotica_ no one could every forget.

 

_Like one of your Veela Girls_

_Conquering the Boy who Lived_

_As Well As You Forget Me_

_How Harry found Draco_

_Wet your Wand_

 

 

Is someone shitting him?  _Conquering_ was his sexual awakening, the fic that catalysed his fucking puberty and inspired a month of wet dreams. _Every single one_ he had reviewed, faved, saved and bookmarked for quick reference (when he needed it, but that’s another story) - point is, no fucking way could he have chosen a random author to troll and ended up trolling _DracoPotter69_.

 

And there's no way  _DracoPotter69_ could trolled him back. No way.  _PhoenixAndCrow_ would but not the celestial, legendary, omniscient  _DracoPotter69_.

 

Futakuchi Kenji is 16 when he wakes up to a new notification email in his inbox. 

 

_[DracoPotter69] has posted a review on your story Coincidence(s)_

 

`DracoPotter69:`

`3rd chapter, 52 paragraphs down, 29 words in.`

 

`*you're` 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Inspirations:
>
>> i think this is one of the only flames i've gotten that i still have up... it's immortalized [pic.twitter.com/CRiZLB1CDZ](https://t.co/CRiZLB1CDZ)
>> 
>> — enemy of the state (@aroceu) [March 3, 2016](https://twitter.com/aroceu/status/705331738323582976)  
> 
>
>> anyway this is the best "flame" i've ever gotten [pic.twitter.com/ekEQ49y41w](https://t.co/ekEQ49y41w)
>> 
>> — ☆ irony wall ☆ (@_memorde) [March 3, 2016](https://twitter.com/_memorde/status/705334243367358465)  
> 
> 
> Follow the thread in the first tweet and you'll see how the plot was born ehe
> 
> Also, a masterlist of all the fic referenced:  
>  [Cake or Break](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5374505/chapters/12412724) [DaiSuga; m; 96k] [Saturday Night Sendai](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2595002) [Gen; g; 3.7k] [Coincidence](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2795069) [OiSuga; t; 10k] [you’d fit in my lonely arms so perfectly](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2628422) [DaiSuga; g; 25k] [Bathroom Sharing for Dummies (the hotel lobby remix)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4951381) [OiSuga; t; 4.1k] [One-Quarter Cup of Sugar; or, the Lover’s Guide to Milk Bread](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5197676) [OiSuga; t; 4.5k] [tea-stained polaroids](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2831402) [BokuAka; g; 5.8k] [Dating Is Not A Nine-to-Five](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4512432) [MatsuHana; g; 2k] [Like One of Your French Girls](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2493659) [IwaOi; e; 4k] [Conquering the Great King](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3301085) [IwaOi; e; 105k] [How Kuroo found Kenma](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3988276) [KuroKen; e; 37k] [Wet Your Whistle](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3852586) [MatsuHana; e; 5.5k]


End file.
